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To be read while listening to theme from X-Files

Date: 14 Dec 1999
Time: 03:16:15


To be read while listening to theme from X-Files

Malaysia struck by strange paranormal phenomena

KUALA LUMPUR, Dec 13 . . . . Experts from around the world converged on Malaysia to investigate a recent flurry of reports highlighting extraordinary paranormal phenomena occuring in several parts of the country.

"There seems to have been a spate of strange sightings in just the past few weeks," said Fox Mouldy, the editor and chief investigator of "Booo!" magazine, a respected journal of paranormal research. "The sightings cover the whole spectrum of paranormal activity - ghosts, alien abduction, apparitions, strange disappearances, even dinosaurs. Amidst this hive of paranormal activity, there appears to be only one common, underlying factor - the recent General Elections."

Experts in extra-terrestrial phenomena, for example, are investigatingreports that more than 680,000 people who had registered to vote in the past year but were unable to do so. "Why were their names missing from the electoral rolls? Why did they not appear at the polling booths? Where did all these people go?" Mouldy asked.

"There can only be one explanation," he concluded. "They were abducted by aliens."

Mouldy claims that people were not only abducted by a huge Mothership from Mars but, in some incidences, humans were even replaced or cloned by aliens. "Not only were some voters' names missing from the electoral rolls but there were also voters who were told they had already voted when, in fact, they had not. There were also claims that people voted more than once, at different places. Where did these extra voters come from? They were, obviously, aliens, shape-shifters, who taken the bodily form of existing voters."

It was also claimed that some of these 'aliens' had not only attempted to vote but were also offered citizenship and work permits in Malaysia if they voted for the ruling party. "This is obviously a conspirancy that reaches up to the highest levels," Mouldy warned.

As conclusive proof of the existence of these body-snatchers from Mars, Mouldy referred to an issue of the Sin Chew Jit Poh newspaper last month, where former Deputy Prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim strangely vanished from a photograph of National Front leaders, to be mysteriously replaced by an alien looking excactly like the current Deputy, Abdullah Ahmad Badawi.

"Who knows how many other Ministers in that picture are not real humans but actually green-skinned, bug-eyed Martians?" Mouldy asked. "Who knows how many of them are just artificial life forms? Just look at that Works Minister - does that look like real, natural hair to you?"

Another researcher from "Booo!", Dana Scary, is investigating sightings of ghosts at polling stations in Malaysia last month. This follows Opposition party claims of 'indiscrepancies' in the electoral rolls resulting in hundreds, perhaps thousands, of deceased people rising from their graves and ghoulishly walking to the nearest polling station to vote. "One voter was shocked to find his grandfather's name in the electoral rolls when he went to the polling station. The poor man fled in terror, as his grandfather had died more than twenty years' before."

"To make matters worse, his own name was not even listed," Scary said. "It was though he had vanished from the Earth to be replaced by his dead grandfather."

Scary is attempting to contact these 'phantom' voters using the services of Tok Aji, a local psychic and clairvoyant. "So far, the only thing we know of these Living Dead is that they all voted for the ruling National Front."

Scary is also investigating reported sightings of apparitions that had mysteriously appeared in newspaper photographs. She was referring to claims from Opposition newspaper 'Harakah' that a local media picture of Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad greeting supporters had been doctored to make the crowd look bigger than it was. The newspaper claimed that two separate photographs had been spliced together and the photograph, in fact, contained a second 'Mahahtir' being greeted by another crowd.

"After detailed analysis, we can categorically state that the second 'figure' is not Mahahtir," Scary declared. "It is an apparition. A ghost. Perhaps one of these mysterious 'phantom' voters."

Scary also said they are investigating the possibility that the second Mahathir may indeed be a clone created by the invading aliens to confuse the authorities. "We also cannot discount the possibility that the clone was created by benevolent aliens to fulfill the Prime Minister's desire for a replica of himself." She was referring to Mahathir's statement in December last year where he said that he would like his next Deputy Prime Minister after the sacked Anwar Ibrahim to be an "exact replica of myself".

Another member of the "Booo!" research team, paleontologist Dr Indian Bones, is investigating reported sightings of dinosaurs in Malaysia. This was following recent Opposition statements that said Dr Mahathir's new post-election Cabinet line-up for the Millennium was "Jurassic" and "antediluvian".

"We have not only unearthed several intact fossils at our dig-site in the Malaysian Parliament but have also videotaped living dinosaurs walking those hallowed halls," Bones revealed. "This new species of dinosaur - the Cabinetosaurus - shares many of the characteristics of Jurassic Period dinosaurs. They have extremely tiny brains, they are ruthless predators, they do nothing all day but making meaningless growling noises and they defintitely appear to be on the brink of extinction."

Dr Bones added that his team has not only discovered bones and fossils of the species but were also ucovering many "skeletons in their cupboards".

Mouldy denied claims that the research findings from his team's investigations into these unexplained phenomena were, basically, full of shit. "The only other logical explanation for these strange events is that the ruling party conducted a dirty campaign of cheating, lies and deception to win the elections. We are saying it was aliens from outer space.

"Which do you believe?" Mouldy asked, as he wriggled in his strait-jacket and asked to be beamed up back to the Federation Starship Enterprise.

~ By a special correspondent of Not The New Straits Times

Note: The above is *not* satire - it is science fiction!

===== /\__/\ o o ={_!_}=

Sabri Zain


Last changed: December 14, 1999